What's Your Bench?

Posting has been light lately because I started working out pretty seriously. I mentioned previously that I started working out, but recently I've kicked it into high gear, and I've been going for two whole weeks with no days off other than those recommended to me (more below, if you make it that far).

I know! Two weeks!

This has been deleterious to me spouting off on my usual nonsense for several reasons. First off, when I get home each night, I'm tired. Second, there hasn't been a lot else going on, either with me or with the world around us, and I'm too worn out to drum up something.

But the biggest problem is that this new workout regimen has been all that I've been thinking about lately, and frankly, working out is like dreams. They might be absolutely fascinating to you, but to everyone else, they're probably boring. You know, unless they're just really bizarre. Like if someone has a dream about an invasion of space zucchini and being pushed forward (literally) to negotiate and everything you say, however benign, ends up infuriating them more and more, and in the end you have to run away from a hail of white-hot plasma pickles, that's a dream worth hearing about. Dreams where you run into your high school chemistry teacher at Long John Silvers and you try to talk but for some reason words won't come out, please spare me. And spare everyone else while you're at it.

So, working out is like that. Only there aren't interesting workout stories. You know, unless you're Mr. Olympia, and people want to know how you get so ripped. With me, anything I'd have to say would just be a story about some guy getting sweaty.

But then, when have I ever let being utterly uninteresting get in the way?

After a few weeks of thinking about it and researching, I came across this site called Crossfit. I started reading it off and on for the next month or so, thinking maybe I'd give it a try. And finally, I did.

The way it works is this: you go to crossfit.com. They tell you what workout you'll be doing that day. It's just right there on the main page. No logging in, no nothing. Every day it's something different. Every four days is a rest day. It's just that easy

This system has several advantages and disadvantages. One advantage, it's free. Honest, the guy just posts the Workout of the Day right there on his web page. Along with little java slideshows of what all these exercises are. And a helpful FAQ containing the recommended warmup.

Another advantage is that it's used by people who are in really good shape (SWAT teams, special forces, etc). Which means, if I stick with it, I can be in awesome shape too.

One disadvantage is that it's used by people who are in really good shape. Which means, if you're starting out after spending the last several years sitting on your ass, there's no way you can do it all. The typical workout is something like this:

"Greta"

Run six miles

Deadlift a 1979 Chevy Nova, 30 reps.

Run six miles.

Post your time to the comment section.

The bottom line means not only are you supposed to do all that, you're supposed to do it as fast as you can.

And that's just the workout. I can't even do the warmup, which requires you to do at least 30 pullups. You know how many pullups I can do? Zero! After working at it for these past two weeks, I can almost bend my elbows.

That being the case, obviously, I have no chance of actually doing the workout. So, I've been easing into it. Instead of running six miles, I'll run one mile. Instead of deadlifting a Chevy Nova, I'll deadlift the bar. And if I can still move after that, I'll run another mile.

I switched gyms to a much bigger, better stocked one. This new gym has one of those rad pullup assist machines, where you step on this lever which subtracts 20 lbs from your weight, so your weak and puny arms can pull your fat ass up. I keep using that, and I keep getting slightly stronger, and subtracting a pound from the lever thingy, until one day, I'll be able to do it all by myself!

Every morning I wake up and there's something sore that wasn't sore when I woke up the day before. Today it was shoulders.

But I'm sticking with it. I think the keys here are the frequency and the variety. I'd heard that you should work out everything twice a week. Which is fine, as far as it goes. "I'll go to the gym Mondays and Thursdays." Simple as that, right? But then one Thursday rolls around and something comes up, or you just don't feel like it. Next thing you know, you haven't been there for weeks.

With this regimen, I end up going to the gym pretty much every day, so it's becoming part of my routine. Go home, let Charlie out, change into my gym clothes, and hit the gym.

And since there's a different workout every day, there's something different going on every day. A few days ago, I had to do something called the "Snatch Balance", which I'd never even heard of*. I'm hoping once the novelty of these bizarre exercises wears off, I'll have a good head of steam behind me.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about working out for now. I've finally found something I can stick with, and I'm excited, but I'm exhausted as well.

* Disappointingly, it doesn't involve dating two women at once.