New Positivity
First off, after writing that, I think I got an email from everyone I've ever met and I few I hadn't met about it. They fell into one of two categories. A) "I could have told you about that" or B) "I did tell you that but you didn't listen. You never listen. Gaw!"
To this, I just have to say, first of all, if you told me so, I have no problem with you informing me of that fact. Second, there are many ways people learn lessons in life. Sometimes you just have to learn things the hard way. And sometimes, you just have to be ready to listen. A 40 year old can tell a 17 year old he's acting like an idiot, but he's not ready to listen to that from some old man, so it won't work.
So, yeah, somewhere among those few neurons that weren't stunned by all the fun I was having in my 20's, I have a hazy recollection of someone saying something like that. And if you're reading this, it might be you I'm thinking of. Sorry I didn't listen the first 70 or 80 times I heard it. If it's any consolation, your mentioning it probably contributed to my being ready to listen when I actually did.
I've discovered that, boy, do I love to complain. This is, in case you don't know, highly negative. That's what people have been saying at least.
Case in point:
J: Damn, it's cold outside.
PERSON: What is it? 44? That's not so bad.
J: Yeah, probably not, but I'm kind of a baby about these things.
PERSON: Cha-ching! Gimme a dollar!
I considered protesting, but no, that was negative. My conclusion is that this kind of self-deprecation, while it may be disarming and delightful to some people, will not help me get a date.
So, if I'm going to exercise this desire I have to say wacky, self-deprecating things about myself, I need to do so in the context of a story or something. Just so long as the story doesn't end with "And that's why I'm the world's biggest idiot and it's no wonder I can't get a date."
My brand new version of small talk is working far better than expected. People tend to sleepwalk through social interactions, everyone sticking to the script. It doesn't take that much deviation from said script to start something approximating an actual conversation.
For instance:
J: How're you doing?
PERSON: Good, yourself?
J: Good.
This is the script.
Now, let's do things differently:
J: How're you doing?
PERSON: Good, yourself?
J: Terrible!
PERSON: Terrible?! My goodness! What's the problem?
J: Oh, where to begin? For starters, I have this...
It should be noted that PERSON in the above story probably doesn't actually give a crap about what's going on in my life. It's just that something didn't go according to the script, and out of instinct, the person asks about it. It's not that they really want to know why things are bad, they just want to know why I didn't say "good" like everyone else.
Once I start the description of the many miseries that come with living the Dickensian life of Famous J, they have realized their mistake, but it's too late!
Although, it's easy to assume that just because the person has asked, they actually do care. This mistake is especially easy to make when you're as much of an egomaniac as I am.
Okay, here's one last one:
J: How're you doing?
PERSON: Good, yourself?
J: I'm doing awesome! Life is nothing but rainbows as far as the eye can see!
PERSON: Holy cow! That's great! What's going on that things are so good?
See, again, we're almost starting a conversation. Although, again, the person doesn't actually give a crap about what's going on in my life, but unlike the previous example, they don't have to sit through a description of some ailment I'm suffering or the lawn chair the dog most recently ate.
Now, the only problems with this gambit is that 1) sometimes I'm lying, although since I speak pretty much everything in the same somewhat bemused monotone, I don't get called on it. But also, 2) I've spent the last, I dunno, 15 years perfecting ways of describing how poor my life is while still being entertaining. When I get the follow-up question, I'm still not sure how to respond. It's like if they hired Morrissey to write the lyrics for a remake of "The Music Man". It's taking some adjustment.
Therefore and in conclusion, the New Positivity is proving to be a real winner. Not from the actually-getting-a-date perspective, but from the having-a-better-outlook-on-life perspective. I mentioned above that sometimes I'm lying, but the more often I do it, the better I get at it. I suspect if I keep this up, I might become so good at lying that I manage to fool myself. And at that point, it's no longer lying, is it?
Yes, actually it is. But it's good lying, if you ask me.
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