Metal Machine Music

Where to start with Metal Machine Music?

This is something of the lost Lou Reed album. Or maybe the Lou Reed album that everyone ran away from. It came out in 1975, so Transformer was still fresh on people's minds. Although people hoping this would have the next "Walk on the Wild Side" were about to be disappointed.

You know the end of Mellow Gold by Beck, how the last song is Blackhole, and there's five minutes of silence and suddenly the speakers erupt with this wild assortment of sounds? Well, Metal Machine Music is most closely reminiscent of that. Only without such a variety of sounds. It's guitar feedback, sped up, slowed down, piled into layer upon mind numbing layer. And also, unlike the untitled Beck opus, this goes on for over an hour.

I listen to some utter garbage. I'm the first to admit it. So when I start questioning whether something really qualifies as "music", you can be assured that it's probably really, really bad.

I think it all comes down to a beat. You can have a beat but no melody (q.v. all that rap music the kids are listening to these days). That's music, of a sort. But you can't have a melody without a beat. This has neither a beat nor a melody. It's just noise.

Now, having said that, I still think you should pick up this album. What's more, I believe the $15 you shell out for it might prove to be the most useful $15 you ever shell out.

How could one make use of 63-odd minutes of screeching guitar feedback, the listening to which feels like a knitting needle being jabbed into the side of your head? The only limit is your imagination!

First of all, this album has the magical ability to slow down time. I've listened to the thing in its entirety, I can vouch for the fact that that was one of the longest hours of my life. I thought it would never end. "In the name of Mary, Joseph, and the little baby Jesus, is this thing ever, ever going to end?" I said to myself. I suspect if you listened to this all the time, you would effectively live forever*.

Second, once I was done listening, I felt so alive! Like if you've ever had a near-death experience. Or if you've spent three days straight in the computer lab, and you walk outside for the first time, blinking in the sun. Colors were brighter, smells smelled better, and all other music sounded way better.

But it has many more uses aside from just listening to it and gaining a new appreciation for how wonderful life is when you aren't listening to it. For instance:

Say you have something important to do one morning and you're afraid you're going to fall asleep. If you have one of those CD alarm clocks, this will make the perfect CD to make sure you spring out of bed so you can dart across the room to make it stop. It might even break you of the snooze bar habit, since actually getting up might be preferrable to having to listen to that again.

Or if you've had that house party and you want the last four stragglers to finally go home. Throw this in the Hi-Fi and even the most obtuse guest will finally get the hint.

Use your imagination. Dress up like a robot on Halloween, and have it playing when you open the door for the trick-or-treaters. That'll probably be the scariest house they'll go to.

Therefore and in conclusion, I think everyone should have a copy of Metal Machine Music. Some day you'll be glad you do. As a work of "art", I give it 1/2 a dog head. As something handy, I give it 4 dog heads. This averages out to be about two dog heads.

And at some point, I'm going to make a replacement dog head image. So for right now, just know that it gets two dog heads, and you should buy it anyway.

* The author makes no claim as to your quality of life, only its duration.